Controversies stall would-be kart racers

Transportation isn’t a problem in the Mushroom Kingdom. Much of its citizenry is capable of self-propelled flight, while others can transform into flying raccoons or spurt wings from their caps. Rumor has it there are even flutists who can travel vast distances simply by whistling a ditty.

Despite an abundance of alternatives, however, virtually everyone within the kingdom’s limits drives a vehicle. From simple go-karts to gigantic gas-guzzling muscle cars, there’s no conveyance too large or too tiny. Bustling beltways and boulevards spread to every corner of the land of mushrooms’oddly, pollution isn’t an issue, either.

After all, the clouds are always smiling.

But don’t be fooled by the brightly colored frivolity. This car-crazed culture of pedal pushers faces serious problems. According to reports from Princess Toadstool’s castle, accidents caused by blue shells have increased at alarming rates in Mario Kart Wii recent years. Worse yet, studies issued by Mushroom Kingdom scientists offer no explanation for the meteorological anomalies occurring on kingdom roadways, where lightning strikes are approximately 53,000 times more likely.

Still, these statistics may actually be the least of the citizens’ worries. Perhaps more alarming are the policies through which the royal Department of Mushroom Vehicles issues driver’s licenses.

Authorized documents obtained exclusively by Infendo reveal the department has granted licenses to applicants convicted of charges as serious as kidnapping royalty.

It’s even given them to babies.

Indeed, it would seem practically impossible to be denied a driver’s license in this kingdom, but in a land where polka-dotted portobellos grow tall enough to touch the sky, practicality and impossibility aren’t factors. In fact, some of the Mushroom Kingdom’s most famous citizens have never driven upon its frenzied freeways, and given the lackadaisical requirements to do so, Infendo set out to discover why.

Our made-up nonsense findings may surprise you.


  1. “Why do you think they wear helmets all the time?” posed a Koopa Troopa wishing to keep his name—and shell color—anonymous. “We may walk off ledges, but at least we see the damn things coming.”

    The article could have stopped right there, and it still would have made my day. Very funny stuff, Derek!

  2. No need for sware words like “whore”. Why do people have to laugh at children’s characters? Why insult them? To make feel yourself more self-confident? Try to create anything of a similar value for the culture, or anything suitable for the kids and then dare humilate what you adored as a child. No need to laugh at what you really liked as a kid when you feel all grown-up. Don’t follow the teenager way of proving yourself worthy to others.

    But i really liked the funny line: “at least we see the damn thing coming”. i think you’ve got talent man. Just don’t let it go to waste. Peace?

  3. Loved the “document obtained by Infendo.” LEAVE ME ALONE! Right up there with your Bowser “report,” Derek.

  4. @ Mikey:

    Were you sober when you wrote that? ^

    It’s kind of hard to tell if you’re joking or not. This is a very tastefully written article, and aside from the use of the word “whore”, as you mentioned, it actually treats the characters with a lot of dignity and respect. I get where you’re coming from: you’re sick of people taking innocent, beloved characters like Mario and twisting them for the purposes of lowbrow humor, but Derek’s article is far from an example of that.

    P.S. “Whore” isn’t a swear word.

  5. WHO’s PAULINE???

  6. @N64 Games FTW: Pauline was the girl that Mario (known as Jump Man at the time) had to save in the original Donkey Kong arcade game.

    I thought that this article was pretty funny. I would love to see more of these kinds of things done.

  7. I for one myself sometimes wondered in the past why Pauline never got a shot at being able to race in a go-kart like the rest of Mario’s crew ever since she arrived in Mushroom Kingdom since Mario VS. Donkey Kong 2: March Of The Minis. I say despite the reasons Derek made out about that funny story there, that she at least be given a chance to race come next Mario Kart game. All in all, “whore” how else would you expect Peach to react to one of Mario’s old “girlfriend” before having to save the Princess all the time huh?

  8. it saysthat marios eyes are brown when there actually blue if ya look at the picture

  9. Gotta love this article. Very funny! Please make more funny ones!

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