Controversies stall would-be kart racers

Infendo

Transportation isn’t a problem in the Mushroom Kingdom. Much of its citizenry is capable of self-propelled flight, while others can transform into flying raccoons or spurt wings from their caps. Rumor has it there are even flutists who can travel vast distances simply by whistling a ditty.

Despite an abundance of alternatives, however, virtually everyone within the kingdom’s limits drives a vehicle. From simple go-karts to gigantic gas-guzzling muscle cars, there’s no conveyance too large or too tiny. Bustling beltways and boulevards spread to every corner of the land of mushrooms—oddly, pollution isn’t an issue, either.

After all, the clouds are always smiling.

But don’t be fooled by the brightly colored frivolity. This car-crazed culture of pedal pushers faces serious problems. According to reports from Princess Toadstool’s castle, accidents caused by blue shells have increased at alarming rates in Mario Kart Wii recent years. Worse yet, studies issued by Mushroom Kingdom scientists offer no explanation for the meteorological anomalies occurring on kingdom roadways, where lightning strikes are approximately 53,000 times more likely.

Still, these statistics may actually be the least of the citizens’ worries. Perhaps more alarming are the policies through which the royal Department of Mushroom Vehicles issues driver’s licenses.

Authorized documents obtained exclusively by Infendo reveal the department has granted licenses to applicants convicted of charges as serious as kidnapping royalty.

It’s even given them to babies.

Indeed, it would seem practically impossible to be denied a driver’s license in this kingdom, but in a land where polka-dotted portobellos grow tall enough to touch the sky, practicality and impossibility aren’t factors. In fact, some of the Mushroom Kingdom’s most famous citizens have never driven upon its frenzied freeways, and given the lackadaisical requirements to do so, Infendo set out to discover why.

Our made-up nonsense findings may surprise you.