Controversies stall would-be kart racers

Infendo

One would assume a Koopa warrior with an endless supply of throwing mallets would be an ideal driver for Mushroom Kingdom roadways, where road rage seems to be heartily encouraged.

Why, then, have the Hammer Bros. been denied their ticket to ride?

Research provided no answers, but gossip among the Koopa at Bowser’s Castle did. According to an unusually chatty Goomba, the Hammer Bros. have never been denied driver’s licenses by the Mushroom Kingdom, contrary to our assumptions.

They’ve been called the mightiest warriors in Bowser’s army, but the Hammer Bros. apparently suffer from chronic paranoia, a disorder stemming from repeated whacks to the skull from stray hammers. For nearly 30 years, gradually accumulating brain blows by misguided mallets have caused irreversible damage to their mental stability.

Think about it. It’s like they’re living an episode of Tool Time.

Distrust in the accuracy of even their own hammer-tossing brethren has spread, and because Hammers Bros. are rarely seen without one another, it’s caused serious issues. They’re not eating because they don’t trust one another’s cooking. They don’t sleep out of fear they’ll be unexpectedly smacked with a hammer, and say our sources, they won’t enter a car because they don’t trust one another to drive.

Even the most accurate Hammer Bros. miss 72% of their throws on average

“Why do you think they wear helmets all the time?” asked a Koopa Troopa wishing to keep his name—and shell color—anonymous. “We may walk off ledges, but at least we see the damn things coming.”

We tried to speak with the brothers, but they just tossed hammers at us, leaving us to wonder if they’ll ever get over their fear of driving.

I don’t think so, Tim.