Bowser’s personal life shrouded in mystery

If at first you don’t succeed, kidnap Princess Peach again. And this time, curse the esteemed royalty of neighboring kingdoms while you’re at it.

Four years had passed since his inaugural invasion of the Mushroom Kingdom. With the taste of defeat lingering like an obstinate case of morning breath, Bowser committed to a comeback in precisely that fashion. But to execute a scheme of such scope and grandeur, Bowser would need help, and he got it from an unlikely source’his loins.

Apparently, while the brothers Mario were battling his amphibious surrogate in Doki Doki Panic a surreal new dream world, Bowser was propagating his wickedness through inexplicably asexual means. The result was seven venomous, genetically failure-prone little Koopas.

They haven’t been seen in the Mushroom Kingdom since.

Our top team of Infendo investigators has found no evidence of their whereabouts. No rainbow-colored strands of hair, no loose baby spikes, no weird pink rings. You’d think at least one of them would have reappeared over the years, driving a go-kart, playing soccer or something. Avoiding sports doesn’t seem to be an option in this kingdom.

Only one plausible explanation remains’filial cannibalism. When reached for comment, Bowser only roared and breathed fire, burning our microphone beyond repair. And then he laughed.

What a jerk.