Bowser’s personal life shrouded in mystery

When pundits discuss the housing crisis, it confuses Bowser.

He doesn’t understand “house” because he only owns castles, and he doesn’t believe there’s a crisis because he has dozens of them.

There’s his oldest garrison, his humid southern getaway, his valley fortress, his swank modern pad and enough similarly named “Bowser’s Castles” to comfortably shelter the entire population of Bangladesh. Along with his endless supply of flying armadas, this underscores an obvious question.

What sort of nefarious characters is Bowser palling around with?

Our inquiries into his financial history have been returned with simply “bwahaha!” scribbled in Sharpie, and questioning his Koopa Troopas proved futile. They paced from left to right without saying a word for almost an hour before we lost our patience and stepped on them.

The source of Bowser’s affluence has verily eluded us, but its extent must be massive. After all, Mario continually finds Bowser by following the trail of bread crumbs golden coins he leaves behind.

I guess that happens when you don’t have any pockets.