Bowser’s personal life shrouded in mystery

The industry’s self-inflicted neutering and political correctness makes it easy to overlook Bowser’s wicked intentions and diabolical abilities.

From the original Super Mario Bros. instruction manual:

One day, the kingdom of the peaceful Mushroom People was invaded by the Koopa, a tribe of turtles famous for their black magic. The quiet, peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks and even field horse-hair plants, and the Mushroom Kingdom fell into ruin.

Black magic. There it is, written in black and white, as clear as crystal. And it answers quite a bit, particularly in regard to how Bowser survives repeatedly plummeting into scorching 1,000-plus degree magma.

And, you know”¦how he’s able to walk around fleshless.

Nintendo prefers to keep quiet on matters of the (Koop)occult these days, but I deplore attempts at revisionist history. So does Bowser.

Apparently, he doesn’t appreciate follow-up interviews, either. We asked the evil turtle for a final comment, and much to our surprise, three Goombas returned our request, carrying a small letter bearing the royal Koopa letterhead into the Infendo offices.

It read simply, “Come to my castle.” We were thrilled, and in our wildly elated reaction, we accidentally stomped the messengers.

We arrived later that day only to find an empty hallway with an old, corroded gateway at its end. Nervous, we dipped into Jack’s stash of fire flowers before pushing the door open, lowering our shoulders and ramming into the rusted entrance until the calm splashing of popping lava and leaping podoboo was shattered by a loud, sluggardly creak.

And there it was’a lone bulb swung gently from the web-covered ceiling, casting a feint stream of light barely strong enough for us to see a wall-hung portrait of the Koopa king and a tiny, crumpled letter on the ground.

“We’re sorry, but Bowser is in another castle.” What a jerk.