Bowser’s personal life shrouded in mystery

Infendo

Bowser doesn’t see what’s so appealing about Megan Fox. Go ahead and confront him about it, tell him he’s wrong—the dude breathes fire.

He’s more into Scarlett Johansson. You can’t really blame him.

The turtle tyrant doesn’t say much about the location of his children, but he regularly advertises his affinity for blondes by kidnapping the Mushroom Kingdom’s preeminent golden-haired bachelorette every five years or so. I used to write it off as a weird crush, but it’s gotta be more than that.

Beatings the likes of which Bowser endures in the name of Princess Peach don’t signify crushes. I’ve had lots of crushes I wasn’t willing to take a lava bath for, so I watched Dr. Phil did some research, and it hit me—deep psychological infatuation.

Maybe some flaxen vixen broke his heart in another castle. Maybe he yearns for the mother he never had. Or maybe it’s a lack of options.

I mean, have you ever seen a blonde turtle?