Bowser doesnâ€™t see whatâ€™s so appealing about Megan Fox. Go ahead and confront him about it, tell him heâ€™s wrongâ€”the dude breathes fire.
Heâ€™s more into Scarlett Johansson. You can’t really blame him.
The turtle tyrant doesnâ€™t say much about the location of his children, but he regularly advertises his affinity for blondes by kidnapping the Mushroom Kingdomâ€™s preeminent golden-haired bachelorette every five years or so. I used to write it off as a weird crush, but itâ€™s gotta be more than that.
Beatings the likes of which Bowser endures in the name of Princess Peach don’t signify crushes. Iâ€™ve had lots of crushes I wasnâ€™t willing to take a lava bath for, so
I watched Dr. Phil did some research, and it hit meâ€”deep psychological infatuation.
Maybe some flaxen vixen broke his heart in another castle. Maybe he yearns for the mother he never had. Or maybe itâ€™s a lack of options.
I mean, have you ever seen a blonde turtle?