Don’t let the picture fool you. This isn’t about a simple Blue Shell, Lightning Bolt, or Bullet Bill crashing into you at the worst possible moment during an online race. That’s standard fare, after all. Everyone’s been down that road before. Oh, no – this is about those rare strings of events that take place both outside and within races which seem so…unfathomably improbable and unwaveringly impossible, and yet still happen anyway – to you. I know these things are possible because, well, let’s just say I’m speaking from experience. Don’t get me wrong, this is the stuff of comedy gold. Plenty of laughs were had post-race concerning the following, but the 3DS barely made it out alive as these scenarios actually played out. Mario Kart 7 is the focus, but surely some instances can be applied to all Mario Kart games. As Mario says, “Here we go!” (and remember, try to laugh the pain away).
Indecisiveness can lose races before they even begin; that’s no secret. Sometimes things go so horribly wrong, however, that you’d swear someone behind the scenes was pulling the strings just to make you feel like an ass. You want to pick a driver, but you just aren’t sure. It’s an online match, so the clock is ticking. You know you should have been prepared before even logging onto Nintendo WFC, but it’s too late- grin and bear it. Finally, a selection is made, but oh dear…now comes the kart frame and the tires. Don’t forget the glider. Suddenly, that incessant, ticking timer starts, making the whole affair seem like some twisted game show featuring a sadistic host. Surely, picking a driver couldn’t have taken that long. Things aren’t lookin’ too good. You scramble to pick the pieces you want, but you shuffle past the frame you’ve finally decided on (which you’ve passed by three times already like a twit), thinking all the while, “Where the hell is it?! Stupid game!” Knowing full well that you, and you alone, have committed a fatal error, you try desperately to fix the blunder by speedily picking the rest of your kart – and time runs out. Behold your random set of wheels and a glider which compliment your driver and frame about as much as the Star Rod would Samus Aran in the cold depths of Zebes.
But, hey, at least you get to pick your course, right? Wrong. As punishment for being that one person who made everyone wait through your entire warning countdown, you’re forced to pick “Random” for the roulette. Luckily, you don’t see your least favorite track among the others’ selections (the one track you can’t win on, can’t stand, and would happily set ablaze if at all possible). The only chance of getting it is the one “Random” on the board – your “Random.” You think, “what are the odds?” as the selector slowly comes to a stop…on your “Random” and illuminates your one and only demise. You suffer through the race, lose because of the aforementioned fail-fest, and are forced to leave the full-group from heaven that didn’t select a single Maka Wuhu. “WTF?!”
There’s more to come in tomorrow’s entry chronicling in-race “WTF?!” moments. I hope the above gave a few of you a chuckle or at least reawakened long-dormant Mario Kart rage (which would, in turn, give me a good chuckle). Don’t wait for tomorrow, though – let’s hear some of your own personal “WTF?!” Online (or offline) Mario Kart stories. The more outlandish and random, the better. No need to embellish, as Mario Kart needs no embellishing. Have some fun with it, and let’s all have a good laugh!