If Mario was a… (Nintendo marketing on steroids)

250_mlss_mario_luigi.jpgA Harvest Moon Wii tractor pull? A real-life F-Zero supersonic racing circuit at the Bonneville Salt Flats? Mario juicing for his upcoming Super Mario Sluggers baseball promotion?

Nintendo will hold a pretty cool marketing promotion in NYC tomorrow as a man dressed as Mario hails cabs for Manhattanites, free of charge. What follows are just a few of the wild new Nintendo marketing promotion ideas I would like to see the Big N implement for some of their other first party games in 2008.

See what I mean after the jump and add one of your own.

225_kidicarus.jpg5. Kid Icarus
The Kid Icarus blitz that is undoubtedly being prepared for the holiday launch of this modernized look at Pit, Olympus and Medusa will showcase Mario and Luigi vacationing in the mountains of Greece. The Italian brothers will fashion themselves a set of wax wings with which to carry the Greek people and any tourists to the top of Mount Olympus and down again, where they will be able to chomp down a hearty meal of olives, feta cheese and gyros.

Tragically, Luigi will take one run too close to the Sun and his wings will melt, casting he and the unlucky Nintendo fan he holds clutched in a death grip into the Golfo Soronico. Sorry, folks, it’s Luigi. This kind of thing always happens to him. He’ll be back in the sequel with even less influence than ever.

200_disaster-day-of-crisis-1.jpg4. Disaster: Day of Crisis
Nintendo’s most mysterious confirmed/unconfirmed/confirmed title will receive a campaign worthy of the title “National Disaster.” Mario and Luigi, joined by Duke Nukem, will randomly appear in cities across the U.S. armed to the teeth. They’ll be equipped with a weather-changing, earthquake inducing superweapon invented by Shigeru Miyamoto during a stroll through the fantastical world that was his backyard as a youth. He saw a pine cone or something and re-imagined it as a planet-changing, death-dealing super weapon. Then he sharpened his mind with a custom Brain Age: Savant Edition. Really, the man is that amazing.

With the weapon and a plethora of Disaster: Day of Crisis t-shirts, the trio will lay waste to some of America’s finest cities all in the name of casual games, fun and the Blue Ocean. In fact, coastal cities may very well end up looking like blue oceans after this campaign wraps up. Disaster will still sell millions though, because this is Nintendo we’re talking about here.

225_250px-captain_falcon.jpg3. F-Zero
Using its billion dollar coffers, Nintendo will fly mothers, kids, grandparents and hardcore gamers alike to the Bonneville Salt Flats for an afternoon of supersonic racecar driving and spectacular explosions. Players will race against facsimiles of Mario, Luigi, Captain Falcon, Dr. Stewart, Pico, and Samurai Goroh. Each character will be played by costumed life-term inmates from a nearby penitentiary. Each character will literally race like they have nothing to lose, because they don’t.

The hectic atmosphere created by these racers’ desire to end it all will ensure that every participant in the Mario and Luigi F-Zero Race Day Promotion ends the day with a smile on their face and **** in their pants. Or dead, or possibly a weird combination of all three. Regardless, all survivors get an F-Zero Wii key chain and a free pair of Falcon Punch underoos.

225_i_7143-799951.jpg2. Animal Crossing/Harvest Moon
Imagine this, Animal Crossing Wii fans: You smile serenely to yourself as you die of dysentery. It gets better! Meanwhile, KK Slider plays a rockin’ tune about farming, community, and why you should have washed your hands after handling that gift from a stranger. Sound like a blast? Well then don your overalls, grab your shotgun and head on down to the Deep South for Mario and Luigi’s Animal Crossing Turkey Shoot and Tractor Pull Promotion.

Learn to add an addition to your home while you distill gin from a Buick’s gas tank, and then wash it all down with a fried Snickers bar while you soak in the Perrin Kaplan dancing show sponsored by Hooters.

But wait, there’s more. Do you think KK Slider is all washed up and should stop singing right now? Well, that limited edition Harvest Moon 30 odd 6 Nintendo reps shoved into your hands at the gate ain’t there jest fer show! Chase KK around the barnyard and make him earn that money he’s asking for when he takes requests. Children are guaranteed to leave this promotion with all sorts of Animal Crossing baubles, a copy of Harvest Moon Wii and naturally their first confirmed kill.

250_3839.jpg1. Mario Super Sluggers
Do Mario and Luigi look a bit, I dunno, different to you? Those bulging forearms; the increased circumference of their skulls; the random mood swings and baseless fits of rage? Yeah, we didn’t notice that either, because Mario Super Sluggers looks like way too much fun!

To celebrate the game, the Mario Sluggers Tour will kick off with a brief tour of Capital Hill in Washington, DC, where our little Mario Sluggers for the Day will receive Mario baseball caps, souvenir bats and mandatory drug tests. Then, after watching their favorite Nintendo characters lie under oath about performance enhancing mushrooms, they’ll be treated to a quick baseball game at Nationals Park. Just remember, don’t ever get Mario angry, and he is always safe.

As you can see, there’s plenty of marketing opportunities coming your way through which you can enjoy Nintendo’s upcoming first party efforts. Just remember, Nintendo is exempt from all legal and/or criminal prosecution because they can do no wrong.

8 Responses to If Mario was a… (Nintendo marketing on steroids)

  1. Joltman says:

    Show up at a Go-kart place and drive around
    Throw fireballs at a life-size cutout of Master Chief
    Throw the first pitch at a Seattle Mariners baseball game

  2. Red Mozzie says:

    Please, enough with the lists!

  3. Paul says:

    Jack, you’ve lost your mind.

  4. Wii Wii says:

    If Mario was a landlord, he would inspire one particular tenant to make millions upon millions of gamers happily entertained.

    oh…wait…

  5. jevon says:

    jack … wtf! seriously wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf!!!!!!

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