DENVER’A hush fell over the internet today as one commenter let gloves fly and cut more than 50 million Wii owners to their core, using only four words. “Get a real console,” said Bryce Meikle, an accredited “fun expert” and frequenter of Kotaku, an American video game blog with a Japanese-sounding name. “Who the hell would even play a Wii?” Meikle derisively added, much to the shock and shame of nearby witnesses.
“As a Wii owner, I just coiled up in the fetal position after reading this,” said one area man, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions. “I finally realized that I have been living a lie over the last three years,” said another. “Indeed, I have been duped into buying the Wii and its compatible games. Now I can say with certainty, I didn’t enjoy any of them.”
Pat Machter, an industry analyst, regrettably confirmed Meikle’s observations. “It’s true; for a console to be authentic, games need to cost $60, it needs to be able to update your Facebook account, and constant game patches are required to fix sloppy launch code, something only HD consoles can offer,” he explained. “It also helps if a console’s action games have Hollywood inferiority complexes, or if spoken dialog is abnormally cheesy, forced, or otherwise unconvincing.”
Although he agrees with Meikle’s harsh statement, critic and professional gamer Reginald D. Money Buck of the “Hardcore Gamerz 4-Life” clan sympathized with console owners who saw their world fall apart in front of their very eyes today. “Usually avid gamers are much more civil when addressing each other,” Buck said, before naming all the 17 and older-rated games he had completed in the last year.
When asked if he regretted what he said in a follow-up interview, Meikle said, “Look man, I don’t have time to troll the internet; I’m too busy watching cut scenes in 1080p and pwnzoring noobz online.” When asked why he said what he said, Meikle paused, then replied, “To be honest, I’m really insecure about myself as a person. So in a way, I’m sort of hoping my console alliegence can net me more friends.”
After catching himself in a moment of candor, he quickly changed gears. “But that Wii is for old people and pre-schoolers,” he said. “And I don’t like anything that old people and pre-schoolers like, except for maybe movies, sci-fi novels, television, music, dancing, and other universal forms of entertainment.”
In the wake of what some are now calling the “enlightenment,” Waste Management, those green dump trucks you see driving around your neighborhood, reported high levels of white plastic garbage late Friday.